Friday, April 11, 2008

More Reality

Thanks to all who replied or emailed me about night terrors. Nancy is the first parent of a bio child that I have "met" that had night terrors. Interesting that they started at 2 yrs old. Just goes to show that you never know and that my theory on the "whys" is probably all wrong.

Just so that you know, Mya's NTs are infrequent. Last year was pretty smooth but they did seem to return as we got close to travel. I was thankful that I had prepared my sister for them because Mya had one the night we left. Colleen said she would not have known what to do. I had told Erin to be available in case there was trouble in this area. Fortunately, Mya only had the one and the rest of the time she was fine.

One of my biggest struggles is how to explain Mya's origins to her without her taking it personally. I think all adoptive parents have a mental battle over that one. Now that there is so much publicity about child abduction and "sales" in China, that has become even a more difficult thing to explain. See this site for why I think of this: The author is well know for his factual information and research. So, I'm not worrying over rumors.

I think I will stick to my guns and continue to beleive and tell Mya that her bio mom was unable to keep her for reasons that we will never know or fully understand. I also tell her that her bio mom/parents cared enough to put here where they knew she would be found. Is that called strategic abandonment? Remember, China is not like America where you can drop off a baby at the local hospital, no questions asked. Noah was found on the steps of a Catholic Church. Mya was found in a Govenment building. Both places were sure to have people coming and going. Both places would allow the child to be found and taken to the orphanage.

In Noah's case, I can speculate that his parents could not afford the necessary medical care for his hand. Not all people in China have health insurance and with their system, you pay up front or no care is received. So, this is a valid hypothesis.

For Mya, being in a rural area, her parents most likely had their "quota" of children and since she was a girl, they made the difficult decision to place her where she could be found. I can't imagine feeling like I could not keep my child. Making that decision seems beyond my scope of imagination but in China, it is a sometimes a matter of economics and laws. That doesn't mean that a child is not valued. Children are VERY valued in China. However, with government imposed and monitored laws about the number of children a familiy can have and with the son being the one who takes care of parents in their old age, a son is preferred--social security of sorts. Keep in mind that it is not always the first daughter that is abandoned because the policy is often written to say one son or 2 children. So, the abandoned girls may be the second or third child. There are so many unknowns in this case that speculation is all a parent has.

Things are changing in China. The govenment is promoting domestic adoption of the children in the orphanages. This is working. I believe the number of children adopted by Chinese families is on the upswing. Another factor is that many of the current 20-30 yr olds are from the one child era and they have no siblings. So, they are allowed to have 2 children. Add to that the fact that many of the younger generation are self oriented and wanting to see the world. Many are opting not to have children at all or they are more than happy to only have one. The rural areas are slower to change the traditions but since the younger ones are moving to the city for work, there are less country people in general.

That is probably not what you expected of my post today. Maybe I will return to smiling siblings tomorrow. But since this blog is meant to be a diary of sorts, you got some deep stuff. Some day, I hope to have this all printed so that Mya and Noah will have an idea of what life was like when they were little. It is their baby book in some senses. It is also a record of my struggls and triumphs as their mom.

7 viewers thoughts.:

Anonymous said...

You're a VERY good mom, Verna. No one could do what you do or replace who you are in their lives. I enjoy reading your blog entries. You're doing you're part and making others aware of adoption. Might not mean much but I'm proud of you. A lady at church asked which family I belonged to, I told her yours. hehehe :o)

holly m. said...

I agree with Katie, Verna, you are a very good Momma and that's without "knowing you"! :)

Two days of very informative reading. Thanks for sharing.

Todd & Nichole said...

Hi Verna,
It has been a while since I have responded but I still check in on your blog. Kaity (Bio 8 yo) had night terrors from time to time but she was more like 5-6 yrs old. Just before we left for China to bring the twins home she had a few more and for the first time ever had 2 episodes of sleep walking. She was looking for us.

It is terrifing but you are right, just keep them safe and love them.. Fortunately Meghan and Erin have not had them, Yet.

You are an awesome mom and I love checking in on your blog. I hope to print ours out some day for the twins also.

Steffie B. said...

I thought it was a very good post....even had me crying a bit!

Kelley said...

Another wonderful, thougtful post! I enjoy reading your blog!

amy said...

Man, I appreciate your honesty

Waiting for Mia Hope! said...

Verna, I have been struggling with the very same feelings these past few weeks. Like you, I am clinging to the explanation that her mother could not keep her for unknown reasons. I doubt that we will ever know the complete truth. The fact remains no matter what has happened the mother was unable to keep her child and I can't believe that it did anything less than rip her heart out. Its tragic...and I feel no matter what we tell them it will hurt. But hopefully they can focus on a bright future filled with a loving family! :)